Self-Judgement
But to me this is a slight matter that I am judged by you or by any man. I do not even judge myself. 1 Corinthians 4:3 (Aramaic Bible in Plain English)
Unwanted . . .Until recently, I didn't realize that had been my life-long perception of myself. And, in my mind, unwanted people didn't deserve forgiveness, even self-forgiveness. Unwanted people didn't deserve anything good. They wanted it, but they didn't deserve it.
While doing the difficult soul-work of getting to the root of why I have always found it so hard to forgive myself for real or perceived mistakes, I made the startling discovery that I am even harder on myself than I realized. While completing one of the exercises in the OWN LifeClass, Forgiveness with Iyanla, I realized that I have been carrying around a debilitating number of negative judgments about myself.
The exercise involved listing all of the negative self-judgments that came to mind, then writing out a statement of self-forgiveness for each one. Now, I expected my list to be longer than average, perhaps 40 to 50 items, but the sad truth is my list grew to 162 items, over a two-day period. 162! negative self-judgments that I have been holding against myself for as long as I can remember! Amazing.
My first question was, How can anyone carry around that much weight all the time? How, I wondered, have I been able to function, even thrive, to the degree that I have while judging myself so harshly all of these years? But some things started to make sense, like why I tend to drag myself through most days, and how I try to be perfect in an effort to be accepted, i.e. wanted.
Since this habitual thinking happens on a subconscious level, it took writing it down to bring it all to the surface. Through the process of writing, I gained a profound revelation on perspective. As Dr. Caroline Leaf puts it, “Writing down your thoughts is important because the actual process of writing consolidates the memory and adds clarity to what you have been thinking about.”
Writing helped me not only to clarify my perspective, but also to get to the root of where that perspective came from. It all boiled down to this: I was an “ooops baby”, and though I realize an unplanned pregnancy does not automatically mean an unwanted child, in my case, I have always believed that my parents did not want me. My perspective has been that my parents did not want to be pregnant with me and wished I had never been born. Because I was a sickly child, I always felt like a burden. In my mind, their rejection, neglect, and abandonment served to prove this point.
So One who is unwanted became my perspective, the lens through which I viewed my life.
And myself . . .
And since my perspective is my reality, it is important for me to work on changing my negative perspective of myself. Even if others do reject me, I don't want to keep rejecting myself. I want me.
Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet
#NotYourFault #NoMoreShame #CSA Survivor #Survivor
Published 10/01/2017 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC