Shame, Fear, Guilt Cycle
No weapon formed against you shall prosper . . . Isaiah 54:17 (NKJV)
I survived the sexual abuse of my childhood by instinctively blocking out the traumatizing memories. And while my brain's ability to repress images too painful for me was a gift at the time, it became a trap as I grew into adulthood. That's because these events, though not part of my conscious thoughts, affected me every single second of my life. Every decision I made, every relationship I entered into, and every job I held was influenced by the violations I endured.
The most frustrating part for me was that I couldn't put my finger on why I was so unhappy, why I always felt like something was missing, why I couldn't shake the feeling of being victimized, and why I never felt good enough – adequate. No matter how much I studied the bible and self-help books, I could not find any relief because I was not getting to the root of my pain.
And since I didn't trust the people in my life to love and support me unconditionally, I never felt emotionally safe enough to face the truth about my past – to let the memories surface. I couldn't even trust God to love and accept me. In my mind I was “bad” and deserving of His constant condemnation. Why would He love me? Why should I love myself? Why should anyone love me? The more I craved love, the more I felt I did not deserve it. It was a vicious cycle of pain and fear of rejection. Most days I struggled to get out of bed. Many times I contemplated whether my life was even worth living.
To make matters worse, I had tried counseling and anti-depressant medication without finding any relief. I doubted that there was anyone who could help me. Depressed and separated from my husband at the time, and with two children to raise, I had to drag myself through each day. It was not easy, and most times I felt like a great big failure.
Still, no matter how much I struggled, there was always a little voice inside of me telling me I could be more, do more, and get more out of life. Deep-down I believed that I was meant for more than just getting by. I wanted to fulfill my God-given destiny in life. I wanted to show my children a better way than what they had experienced so far.
I decided I would do whatever I needed to do to help them not repeat the cycles into which they were born. So, 13 years ago, I tried counseling again. This time I found the right place for me, with a skilled team of counselors who made me feel loved and accepted, and an environment where I felt safe enough to open up and dig into my past. Not long after the digging started, I was finally able to admit to myself and others that I had been sexually abused as a child. This was a monumental milestone for me after having run from the truth my whole life.
Over time, the more I learned about the residual affects of childhood abuse on adult survivors, the better I understood myself. More self-understanding led to more self-compassion, which can be a challenging thing for abuse survivors, and is something I am still working on. The most surprising thing I learned was that the “down” emotions which plagued me were a direct result of the abuse. There was a reason why I had always struggled, and it was not my fault. I was still feeling the affects of the childhood victimization, and there were things I could do about it. Recognition and understanding of these emotional triggers have been essential to my recovery, and I believe it is essential to the recovery process of survivors of all forms of abuse.
I will leave it to the professional experts to clinically identify and address the depth of these emotions and the triggers that cause them. I want to use this blog to take a more personal and practical approach by examining the top four negative emotions that have tortured me and dominated my life over the years. These emotions are:
Shame
Fear
Guilt
Depression
Shame has caused me to want to hide from people and from life itself. Fear has kept me from moving forward and reaching my full potential. Guilt has stolen the joy from my experiences. And depression has hung around me like a security blanket.
I named this blog “Pulling the Emotional Trigger and Shooting Myself in the Foot” because I realized that although I cannot control all of the situations and circumstances (i.e., life) that tend to trigger these emotions in me, I can control how far I let the emotions take me and how much more of my life and energy I give to them. Even if someone or something loads my emotional gun, and I find my finger on the trigger, I can choose not to pull it, thus saving myself (and others) the pain of shooting myself in the foot. As for the times that I do instinctively pull the trigger and find myself wallowing in shame, fear, guilt, and depression, I can choose to dig-out the bullet, clean-out the wound, cover it in love, and focus on healing.
Though my goal is to be whole, I believe healing is a process, and I finally understand what someone wisely said, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” Though I struggle with wanting to be perfect, I know I will never reach perfection in this life, nor is it necessary. I do believe that God's grace is sufficient for me, and His strength is greater than my weaknesses. So I am learning to celebrate life and enjoy my victories along the way.
An important key in this process is focus. I can choose to focus on what I believe to be all of my failures (real or perceived) or I can focus on the good things about me and my life. Of course the lies of the abuser are always vying to occupy a larger amount of space in my head, and often I allow them to have it. But I will never stop fighting to reach my full potential, to be all my Heavenly Father created me to be.
Now that I have survived, I am determined to thrive at all costs! Some synonyms for the word thrive are flourish, blossom, expand, and grow. I will flourish in creativity. I will blossom into the fullness of myself. I will expand my world. I will never stop growing into the best version of myself.
Another key is perspective. Although it is a struggle to overcome the grooming and mental conditioning of my past, I have learned that struggles and challenges are part of every life. We grow the most through our struggles, if we are willing to let them be our teachers and propel us into our destinies, instead of allowing them to bully us into submission, keeping us from being our true selves.
Through this monthly blog, I will share personal experiences that trigger the deeply-rooted, harmful thoughts and false beliefs that tend to plummet me into the painful emotions listed above. As I reveal my process for working through these experiences and the resultant negative emotions, I hope you will discover your own strategy for dealing with the challenges of being an adult survivor of abuse and ultimately gain a healthier level of balance in your thoughts and emotions, and thus, your life!
Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet
Published 12/01/2016 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC
Comments: Oyama361@gmail.com - Love reading it; really inspiring. Reply: Thanks for the encouragement!