Afraid of the Dark (Trigger Alert)
If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Romans 8:31b (NLT)
In order to write today's post, I had to force myself to remember the sound of his drunken footsteps in the darkness as he tip-toed through the kitchen, headed toward my bedroom. I wondered if my mother knew he came up from the basement, and even from her bed, to climb into my bed. I remembered how I vacillated between desperately trying to focus my eyes in the darkness, hoping to see the danger that was moving toward me, and squeezing them shut, pretending not to know that something bad was about to happen.
The approaching footsteps meant there would be no sleep for me that night, at least not for a long time. When I did fall asleep, I was haunted by nightmares. On those nights, I often walked in my sleep, wet the bed, and hid in the closet until morning, terrified of being punished for having yet another "accident".
Yesterday morning, when I told my son about the difficulty I was having writing this post, he encouraged me to let myself go below the surface, back to a dark place, and remember. Then write about that. As soon as I thought about the footsteps, I felt emotions rise up within me, and I knew that was the memory I needed to share. I was headed to work, so once I got to my desk, I grabbed a notepad and jotted down a description of what it was like for me to hear the footsteps. Then I burst into tears.
For a brief moment, I put my head in my hands and let the tears come. Then I went into the restroom and let a few more fall before drying my eyes, putting on my work-face, and starting my work day. It was difficult to focus, but I have lots of practice stuffing my feelings. Still, I did develop a headache that lasted all day. Collateral damage.
I have also developed a fear of the dark that has lasted all these years! I still need a "night-light" when my husband leaves for work in the early morning hours. Recently, when this reality hit me, my first instinct was to get down on myself. I questioned whether my fear was evidence of a lack of faith. I wondered if God was mad at me for being so full of fear. My tainted view of love has always made it hard for me to believe in the unconditional nature of His love.
There was a time when I didn't believe God loved me at all. If He did, I reasoned, why did he let those bad things happen to me? I agonized over that question for many years without a satisfactory answer. But I kept crying out to God, unleashing all of my pent-up anger onto Him, and I never felt condemned by Him for doing so. I only felt - Loved. The more I learned about His character, the more I understood that He did not do those things to me, people did. Once I processed that truth, I was able to stop blaming Him and start working on truly forgiving those who had abused me.
The reality is that it's because of His love that I survived my childhood, the resultant poor life decisions and bad relationships, and my own self-loathing. It's because of His love that I continue to grow and move past the pain and residual affects of the child abuse. Though my mind still has dark places, it is not all dark. And though I still struggle to overcome negative, self-sabotaging emotions – such as self-pity – I also know how to feel real, spontaneous joy, love, peace, and gratitude! Before, I was just pretending to feel these things. Today, they are real. Even if I just finished crying at my desk, the joy of being truly loved bubbles up within me.
Resting in God's love helps me stop feeling sorry for myself and focus on showing more love to others. Sure, I would prefer not to have endured the emotional torture of waiting for the footsteps to stop and the molestation to begin. But I am thankful for the passion I have to help other survivors as a result of it. I am thankful that it was not all for nothing. And if I had to go through it to help one person overcome the shame and forgive themselves for "letting" it happen, then it was worth it. In that respect, I am thankful for it.
Listen, if experiencing the love of God could help change my perspective in such a profound way, then I believe it can help me overcome my fear of the dark. When I asked God how to confront this fear, He simply reminded me that light ALWAYS overcomes darkness! Just as my husband leaves a light shining into the darkness of our bedroom, I need to leave a light shining on the mentally and emotionally dark places in my soul by allowing myself to remember them, experience them, dissect them, and move past them.
When I asked the question, “How do I do that?”, the answer I heard was, “LOVE”! The more I embrace God's love for me, the less fearful I feel. His love is like a flashlight illuminating the dark places in my psyche.
The key is perspective. I need to change from a perspective of fear and darkness, to a perspective of love and light. The choice is mine, and it has taken me a long time, and many revelations of God's love, but I am making the transition through much prayer, perseverance, and patience with myself.
This blog has been a big help in the process of exposing the hidden places within me to the light. Once a post is out there, I cannot take it back. Every time I think about that, my first reaction is to feel a tinge of fear. What will people say? How will they use my confessions against me? I have always worried too much about the opinions of others. However, I am learning not to let that fear stop me from becoming the best version of me. And the more I focus on and connect with the truth that God is for me, and He has my back, the more I understand that no one and nothing can really be against me, and the less I care about what people think.
A key strategy in the process is paying more attention to the thoughts that dominate my mind, not just when the lights go out, but all throughout the day. Since thoughts produce emotions, it's important that I remain mindful of the direction that my thinking is leading me. Once I identify the negative thinking behind the emotion, I take the time to trace the thought back to its roots, usually back to my childhood. This act of shining a loving light on harmful thought patterns helps me dig up the roots and break up the contaminated soil that has been been feeding them all this time. And I will continue to do this until the light within my mind is bright and broad enough to shine from the inside out.
The goal is to be able to lie down in the darkness without fear, and without the need for an external light. Until then, I am thankful for the glow from both lights!
Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet
Published 02/01/2017 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC