"Love" Hurts (Trigger Alert)
The fear of man brings a snare. Proverbs 29:25 (NKJV)
When the abuser told me, “I am the only one who loves you,” my mother's emotional distance seemed to prove him right. And when he said, “I'm the only daddy you have,” my father's physical absence was all the evidence I needed to believe his words were true. He didn't have to warn me not to tell. Even at two or three years old I understood the implication. If you tell anyone, you'll lose the only person who truly loves you.
So in order to please him and retain his “love”, I pretended to not be destroyed every time he touched me and instructed me to touch him. I quickly learned to detach from what was happening to me and how I was internally suffering. I learned to suppress anything that might indicate to him that it was not okay for him to do what he was doing to me. His displeasure could mean his abandonment, and I needed to feel connected to an adult, to someone who would take care of me and be there for me no matter what. But this was not love, and he was not caring for me. Instead he was helping to plant the seed in my soul that I would never be worth anyone's love.
That fear propelled me to try to earn the love of pretty-much everyone I met. Since I equated love with approval, any hint of disapproval sent me into an emotional tailspin and reinforced what I already believed – that I didn't deserve the love and acceptance that others took for granted. I was convinced that everyone else had what I craved.
No matter how many birthdays I accumulated, I was still that little girl trying to please people in order to get them to love me and take care of me. The fear of rejection ruled my thoughts, emotions, and actions. And, just like when I was a child, the fear of abandonment kept me quiet when people mistreated, disrespected, and belittled me.
Even though I did not remember the child abuse for most of my life, I felt so badly about myself that I just wanted someone to tell me I was worth something. That the level of “love” I received as a child didn't determine the level of my value as a person. That I did not deserve what happened to me, did not cause it, and did not encourage it. That it was not my fault! That he was wrong, not me.
To this day, my natural tendency is to turn myself inside out and deny my own needs and desires in an effort to influence people's perceptions of me. Though self-sacrifice is noble, doing things out of obligation and fear is not. I was reminded of this a couple weeks ago when an old friend sent me a text asking me to call her when I had a chance. I called her, but I wasn't sure if I did it because I wanted to talk to her or because I was afraid of what she might think of me if I didn't. It's not that I minded talking to her, but I needed to be real with myself about my primary motivation for doing so. Throughout the conversation I pondered my motive for making the call, and I worried that I had done the right thing for the wrong reason – out of fear rather than love.
This worry kept me from fully enjoying our conversation, but I knew it was a sign that I needed to be more mindful of why I do the things I do. What primarily drives my behavior? Is it love or fear? Though I have a tendency to lie to myself when it comes to admitting the truth about my motives, I have learned there is nothing more valuable than the truth – especially the truth about myself.
To quote William Shakespeare in Hamlet, “This above all: to thine own self be true . . .”
Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet
Published 03/01/2017 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC
Comments:
fjdaffy@hotmail.com - Your strength continues to grow. Reply: Amen.
carswellcry@gmail.com - I Thank you Janet for having the courage to say what I have felt and still feel till this day because of abuse. Reply: You are more than welcome Crystal. My goal in exposing my shame is to help other survivors face their own.