Freedom
Then Peter came to Him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! . . .” Matthew 18:21-23 (NLT)
If I'm honest, I have to admit that part of me never intended to fully forgive the man who sexually abused me and stole my childhood innocence and sense of security and safety. I never fully intended to forgive the one who helped set me up for the abusers that followed. I knew the bible said I needed to, but, to be honest, I didn't really understand why.
What is the benefit for me? I asked.
"Freedom", they said.
But what did that mean? None of the answers made sense to me. Perhaps as a Christian I should have just done it as an act of obedience. And I tried. But, honestly, I couldn't figure out how to do it. I went through the steps of confessing what the Word of God said about it; I named who I needed to forgive and for what; but I couldn't completely let it go. This is how I developed the theory that forgiveness happens by degrees and over time. And that may be true.
However, it was also true that unforgiveness, to whatever degree I held it, was hindering me from being completely healed. I knew this because after more than a decade of trying, I still could not think of the past without feeling all of the negative energy associated with it. I still could not hear other childhood abuse survivors tell their stories without being transported back on a visceral level to the abuse I suffered, and re-experiencing the overwhelming pain.
Though it was clear to me that I still had a lot of forgiveness work to do, I didn't think I was ready to do it yet. I was more concerned with learning not to be so hard on myself. Learning to forgive myself. Not to keep harming myself by holding so many negative self-judgments. Learning to treat myself the way I want others to treat me. What I didn't understand was that I was harming my health, not the other person(s), by holding even a little unforgiveness in my heart and mind toward them.
That was just one of the essential lessons I learned in the online OWN LifeClass, Forgiveness with Iyanla. During the class I made several surprising revelations about myself. For example, it became clear to me that deep-down I had always believed that holding onto unforgiveness toward others was my way of honoring myself by validating what I had gone through. I thought holding a grudge against people protected me from vulnerability, which to me meant the “weakness” that makes me a target for abuse. I actually thought holding onto unforgiveness kept me strong and emotionally safe.
So I couldn't figure out why so many people continued to see me as an easy target for their manipulation, disregard, and disrespect. I couldn't figure out how to do a better job of teaching others how to treat me. I didn't realize that it was because I was not treating myself well – and they were just reflecting back to me what I already believed about myself – that people felt so comfortable behaving badly toward me. And, of course, I didn't feel good about myself because the early childhood abuse taught me to believe that I was inadequate and unworthy of being treated well. As a result, I developed a MAJOR victim mentality.
Victim-thinking kept me hoping that my unforgiveness would make the people who hurt me feel sorry for me, and for what they had done to me. While I pretended to be okay with them, I was actually holding a grudge against them. And even if holding a grudge against some people might make them feel uncomfortable, I didn't realize the tremendous and comprehensive toll it was taking on me! I did not understand that holding onto negative and painful thoughts and emotions has been toxic to my system, and that the toxic energy actually attracts more pain and negativity into my life, so it was counterproductive to my healing.
Another important lesson for me was that forgiveness does not mean I agree with what was done to me. What it means is that I no longer want to remain stuck in the act of what happened to me because anything that hinders me from being free to be who God created me to be, and do what He created me to do, has got to go!
Honestly, when I started the class I didn't know how I was going to do it. How would I manage to forgive those people who had hurt me so badly – especially the primary abuser?! All I knew was that my Heavenly Father was going to have to help me. So I cried out to Him, admitting my fear of letting go of my “protective” armor by taking off unforgiveness and leaving myself open for people to take my kindness for weakness. I didn't know how it was all going to work. But I was determined to be free at all costs! And if forgiveness is the price I need to pay for freedom, I'm willing to pay it.
Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet
#NotYourFault #NoMoreShame #CSA Survivor #Survivor #NoMoreFear #Freedom
Published 11/01/2017 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC