Closing Wounds
. . . For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; . . . Lamentations 3:22b-23a (NASB)
While thinking about how hard the holidays can be for survivors, I began to reflect on how I've changed and grown, just over the last 12 months. In November of 2016, we had a family gathering at a hall, and although I was filled with anxiety leading up to the event, and even while walking through the front entrance, once I walked inside, I felt pretty-good. I danced freely and enjoyed reconnecting with relatives.
But, as with any family gathering, there was the looming threat that the female relative who sexually abused me when I was a kid would be there as well. She doesn't attend many family events, so some people were very happy to see her. But I was not one of them. Of course, she greeted me as soon as I entered the hall. Like usual, I downplayed the affect her presence had on me. Also like usual, no matter how hard I tried to ignore her presence and avoid interacting with her, she followed me around, hugging me over and over again. Honestly, it made my skin crawl. But I just didn't know how to stop it from happening.
So, just as I had done as a child, I endured her behavior. However, this time I did not greet her warmly with affectionate hugs as if she had never harmed me. But, I still went through the motions of partially hugging her, even though I didn't want to do so. And though I'm sure it was clear to her by my coolness that I was not okay with her nor what she had done to me, my inability to enforce clear boundaries seemed to give her the courage she needed to keep trying to force me to embrace and treat her warmly. As a result, I spent the night trying unsuccessfully to avoid her repeated hugs, greetings, and attempts at conversation.
Naturally, I was disturbed by her actions, but my well-honed ability to compartmentalize my emotions enabled me to enjoy myself in spite of her harassment. Once the event was over, I began to connect with my feelings about it. I told my husband what had happened and wrote about it in my journal. I also admitted the truth that I was conflicted about the whole thing and distressed over the way I had handled her behavior and over the fact that I didn't know how to handle it differently in the future. I just knew I wanted to do something different, so I began to pray about it.
Eventually, I added her to my list of people whom I needed to forgive – for everything she had done, for the negative affect it had on me, and for the way she continued to act as if nothing ever happened. I forgave her so that I could finally be free. Does she feel bad about it deep-down? I don't know. I only know that I was done with feeling bad about it and tired of carrying it around like a weight. I was tired of being afraid of running into her, and of being triggered by her presence, tired of continuing to let her have that much power over me. I wanted to take my power back, not by denying the truth, but by releasing it.
Now, fast forward to a recent family gathering this year. Once again this family member was present. But this time my response to her had changed dramatically. Last year I spent a good portion of my time trying to avoid her. This year, when I saw her coming my way, I took a breath and said a prayer, reminding myself that I had just chosen to forgive her the night before.
Like usual, I allowed her to hug me (I'm still figuring out how to refuse her hugs altogether), but I kept the hug brief and did not return it in full. This time, when she hugged me and spoke to me I still felt peaceful and calm. I was not numb nor in denial. I was just freer than I had ever been. Also, this time, though she spoke to me once more, the encounter was brief and I was not disturbed by it. She did not try to talk to me any more after that.
Why was I able to respond so differently? I had gotten to the point where I was ready to let it go. Thankfully, I did some forgiveness work before seeing her again. This work consisted of acknowledging, expressing, experiencing, and releasing each negative emotion and judgement associated with this person and her abusive behavior. In the process, I gained freedom and peace. Another great benefit was that I was no longer afraid of running into this person, which is good because we cannot always avoid the members of our families.
The lesson I learned from all of this is that whatever you run from will chase you until you face it! And I am tired of running from the pain and trauma of my past. Of course, I am still a work in progress. But, as I've said before, I intend to be free at all costs, and if forgiveness is the cost of freedom, then I choose to forgive.
Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet
#NotYourFault #NoMoreShame #CSA Survivor #Survivor #NoMoreFear #Freedom #Forgiveness
Published 12/01/2017 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC