List of Regrets
Grace be with you, mercy, and peace . . . 2 John 1:3a (KJV)
My definition of a regret is something that I would go back and change if I could. I distinguish that from a “mistake”, which is something I feel I have done wrong, yet been able to learn from, transforming it into something beneficial. I put the word mistake in quotation marks because I tend to be way too hard on myself, so I realize not everything truly qualifies as a mistake. But that is a post for another time.
This post is about the hidden bullet of regret. While praying one morning I suddenly thought about how I have heard some people say, “ I have no regrets.” I am always amazed that no matter what they have done in their lives, the mistakes they have made, they say they have no regrets. I realized that I cannot say the same. I do have regrets. In fact, several of them immediately came to mind without any effort. I was surprised by how quickly I could name them and how intensely they still affect me. Not surprisingly, my top 5 regrets revolve around my parenting of my two biological children. I have written before about motherhood guilt being the worst kind of guilt because we do not like to see our children suffer, and, for me, the idea that I caused that pain or even displeasure is almost unbearable.
So it's understandable to me that, until that morning, these regrets sat buried in my body undisturbed by scrutiny as if they would always be part of me. But something about the certainty and clarity with which they rose to the surface told me it was time to deal with them. At the same time, I was startled by the revelation that I had never forgiven myself for these regretful behaviors. This got me thinking about my ability to forgive in general – myself and others. As unfair as it seems to forgive undeserving people, including myself, I knew I had to find a way to forgive myself for my imperfections, even as a parent, because I want to run my race in life without carrying any extra weights. So it is time to deal with my tendency to hold a grudge against myself.
Admittedly, the thought of reliving just these few incidents produced anxiety. But thankfully I have grown enough to want to show myself the same grace and mercy that I try to show to others. Besides, I don't think I could have avoided it any longer if I wanted to. It was as if the hidden bullets that had been left inside my body to save my life, because they were too close to vital organs to safely be removed, had shifted and were pressing against my heart, and the only way to remove them was to meticulously retrieve them one section at a time. The first step for me was to acknowledge them in prayer. And since I believe the antidote to shame is exposure, the second step was to write about them in this post:
#1 – I regret not throwing my daughter the Sweet 16 birthday party she always wanted. Though I had every intention of doing so, it was the same year I admitted I had been sexually abused as a child and by whom. I was so overwhelmed with trying to work through this reality that I failed to commemorate her birthday milestone in the special way I had planned. She was so disappointed, and I was too emotionally detached to empathize with her at the time. I even scolded her for her negative attitude.
#2 – I regret that fatigue and depression caused me to forget about my daughter's graduation ceremony from a local college scholarship program. I can still hear her voice when she called to see if I was on my way. It was not like me to miss important events.
#3 – I regret that I missed my son's six-grade graduation because I was away getting counseling at the time, and he was too young to understand I was doing it for them as well as me.
#4 – I regret that I didn't try harder to retrieve my son's photos from his high school trip to South Africa from our malfunctioning computer and digital camera. I tried unsuccessfully to fix the camera and I had someone look at the computer. But when I couldn't fix the camera and the IT guy couldn't get to the pictures on the computer, I should have taken the devices somewhere else for repair. My son was, understandably, devastated to lose all of his once-in-a-lifetime memories, yet I downplayed the impact because the hopelessness of anxiety convinced me there was nothing else I could have done.
#5 – I regret that last Christmas my careless words, spoken out of shame and insecurity, blindsided my son and wounded him in front of family. We talked about it later and I took responsibility and apologized, making him feel better, but I still regret my lack of self-control.
Writing about these things is difficult for me because the regret is strong. But I hope that in the months to come I can learn to forgive myself for these and other things. The legalistic part of me feels that even though I have discussed each incident with my children and apologized for letting them down, it is only fair for me to continue to feel badly about them because I owe that to my children. In some way it feels that if I let go of the guilt and shame, I'm saying their feelings and the impact of my actions on them don't matter. But I think they know me well enough to know better than that.
It helps that I can look back on it all now through healthier emotional eyes and see where I was psychologically at the time and know that I did the best I could with the capacity I had. Plus, I have become rational enough now to think that if I cannot change what I have done, then holding on to it serves no purpose. Besides, I am pretty sure my adult children have forgiven me for each seemingly irredeemable mistake, and will probably be surprised to learn that I have been holding on to these troublesome incidents for all this time.
I am determined to complete the process of forgiving myself for doing the things I didn't want to do and not doing the things I hoped to do. This unforgiveness toward myself is a heavy weight to carry, and I am not quite sure how to lay it all down. But I will continue to remind myself that my “mistakes” are not the sum total of who I am as a parent. And given what I came from and all that I have endured, I am a great mother.
I'll keep you posted on my progress.
Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet
#NotYourFault #NoMoreShame #CSA Survivor #Survivor
Published 09/01/2017 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC