Even More Triggers
. . . God is Love. 1 John 4:8b (KJV)
My favorite blogger is Matt Pappas. His blog, Surviving My Past, encourages me and makes me feel supported and understood. I trust his wisdom and empathy. So last month when he gave a spoiler-alert that the details relayed by one of his guest bloggers would be extremely difficult to read, I took a couple deep breaths and prepared myself for something horrific.
Indeed, my stomach turned as I read the words of a brave survivor who told of the unspeakable atrocities her religious father committed against her, over and over again throughout her childhood. Refusing to let him steal her voice, after having already stolen so much from her, she courageously recounted how she had to endure his progressively vile acts of abuse and torture.
When I read that he quoted scripture while abusing her, and made her quote it as well, I became enraged. The fact that people actually have the nerve to use God and the bible to justify and validate their abusive and depraved behavior toward others makes my blood boil! These same people manipulate the minds of children to believe that they somehow deserve to be mistreated, rather than cherished and protected. I can't stand it when perpetrators twist God's Word for their own purposes.
Still, being naturally curious, I wondered: Was his mind so twisted that he actually believed God was condoning his actions?! Was he repeating the abuse and torture he suffered as a child? Or was he just a master manipulator who figured this would be the best way to groom his daughter's innocent mind and will?
And what perception of God has this left in the mind and heart of this amazing adult survivor?
Personally, until recently, a big part of me could not believe that God loved me. I mean, how could He love me and let those awful things happen to me? Over and over again? For years?! And I didn't suffer anywhere near what she did. Still, I questioned, Why didn't this loving God step in and stop it? Maybe He loved everyone but me. Didn't the abuser say that he, the abuser, was the only person who loved me?
On top of that, my earthly father was absent, so the abuser was a father-figure to me. So, then, if my earthly “father(s)” manipulated, abused, and abandoned me, how could I ever connect with the idea that the God of the universe actually cared for me?
I struggled with that question for most of my life. But, the more I faced the truth about what happened to me, and its affects on me, the more honest I became with myself and God about my conflicted feelings. I expressed my anger toward Him and asked Him to help me receive His unconditional love. Part of me doubted that He could or would do it, even though I desperately needed Him to. In a way, I challenged Him to prove His love for me.
And over time, something began to happen. I started to consider the possibility that what happened to me did not mean that I was unlovable to God. I thought back to the times when I felt like I wasn't going to make it through the night, yet, woke up the next morning. I thought about all of the blessings in my life, and I began to consider the reality that God really does love me, and has always loved me. At some point, I gained the understanding that God did not do these things to me, people did. People have free wills and too often they use them to hurt and even brutalize others. That is not God's fault.
That realization changed everything for me because it meant I didn't have to keep running away from God. I could start running to Him instead, believing that He loves me even when I fail to live up to human expectations - mine or others. I could finally start resting in Him and trusting Him to be there for me, even in the most difficult circumstances. No more holding God at a distance, I could let Him in.
Though I am still learning to relate to God in this way, I am convinced that I am here today – healing, growing, and telling my story – because God loved me through it all.
Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet
#NotYourFault #NoMoreShame #CSASurvivor #Survivor
Published 08/01/2017 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC