Residual Effects / PTSD
Moses reported this [God's promise of freedom] to the Israelites, but they did not listen to him because of their discouragement and harsh labor. Exodus 6:9 (NIV) *Brackets added by me.
I was married at 19. Divorced at 37. Remarried at 38 – to the same man. Separated again at 39.
A few months after the last separation, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), depression, and an anxiety disorder. While familiar with the depression diagnosis, I was surprised by the PTSD. At the time, I thought only soldiers suffered from that. And although I had some knowledge of my struggles with anxiety, I didn't recall ever hearing it described as a disorder. So, I wasn't sure what to make of that.
Sure, I had experienced a panic-attack or two, where my heart started racing, with sharp pains shooting through my chest, I got light-headed, and found it difficult to breath. But I didn't realize how the anxiety-filled dreams/nightmares that I frequently had were affecting my decision-making. My reaction to one such dream was the reason I felt compelled to marry my ex-husband a second time.
In the dream/nightmare:
He married someone else and treated her better than he had treated me.
They were happy together.
They lived in a nice house, where my children loved to visit.
And worst of all, my children loved her more than they loved me.
After that, it wasn't long before we were remarried, this time at the courthouse, in a hallway, by a minister we had never met. It was cold and impersonal. But I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do. Yet, to my surprise, when we told the kids we were remarried, they were more confused than happy.
I had been so worried about them coming from a “broken home” that I didn't realize they were adapting to our new normal. So, just like that, I gave up the peaceful home environment I had created for my children and me; forgot my sense of achievement over completing my Bachelor of Arts degree; ignored my contentment over landing a great job; and rapidly lost my mental, emotional, and physical health. Again.
It didn’t take long (a few months) for me to realize that I had done the right thing the first time, and I needed to end this relationship once-and-for-all. But, even after counseling, it took several months of one-sided conversations and superficial booty-calls to realize I deserved more than a relationship that mirrored the trauma of my childhood, leaving me feeling empty and more alone. Thankfully, I eventually gained enough clarity and strength to leave that relationship for good.
Years later, to my surprise, God sent me the husband he had designed for me from the beginning. Unlike the husband of my pain (the one who found me in my painful place), he is the husband of my joy because he found me as I was moving toward my joyful place and even helped me get there.
But, although I now enjoy a healthy marriage, anxiety still has a major influence on my thought patterns and behavior patterns. This realization prompted me to write this post. Admittedly, it took longer than anticipated, but the dis-order of anxiety has been part of me for so long, it took me some time to wrap my brain around the ways in which it has affected the natural flow of my life.
Before I started writing this post, if you had asked me to define anxiety, I would have said, “It is the fear of the unknown.” But, now I know it is the fear of rejection:
What if I make a mistake and people reject me?
If I do make a mistake, something bad will happen, and people will reject me.
Even if I say the right thing and do the right thing, something bad will still happen, and people will reject me.
As shown by my reaction to my dream/nightmare, my primary defense against rejection has been to try to control the outcome as much as possible, doing my best to please others by settling for less than what I want and what God wants for me, then justifying it to myself. But I am no longer willing to live as a slave to fear; this is the first step to freedom.
Peace,
Janet
Published 09/01/2018 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC
Comments: Monica Yvonne
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Janet, As someone who also suffers from, lives with and survives PTSD I appreciate your vulnerability in this blog. Thank you for your honesty and transparency- I enjoyed reading. God IS good, and has plans to prosper and not to harm us. Amen.
Reply: Amen. Monica Yvonne, thanks so much for your comment. Let’s keep fighting the good fight of Faith! jlb