Battle for Boundaries
Each time He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT)
I struggle to believe I have the right to protect myself from unsafe people. But I’m happy to say that I am making progress. In my December 2017 blog post I shared how, while at a family event, I kept trying to avoid the female family member who sexually abused me as a child. I told about how she chased me around the room trying to hug me multiple times, and how I suppressed the discomfort I felt, and got mad when another family member who knows what she did to me, kept trying to make small talk about her to me.
I also wrote about how I gave this person a half-hug at another family event to keep her from chasing me around that room. It worked, and I was proud of myself for keeping the hug short and distant, but I hoped to get to the place of feeling comfortable not allowing her to hug me at all.
A few months ago, I got that chance. Since I knew this person might attend this family gathering, part of me desperately wanted to skip the event. But it was a joyous occasion and I wanted to celebrate with the rest of my family. So, I prayed, journaled about my fears, and decided that even though I am working through forgiving her for what she did to me, I would no longer pretend to be okay with her. I would not smile and act happy to see her. I would not warmly hug her. And I would not allow her to invade my personal space by hugging me anymore.
When I saw her at the event, I briefly returned her wave, but not her welcoming smile. Instead I gave her a meaningful look that said, “I’m done pretending.” Her surprise registered on her face, and her perplexed look assured me that she felt the change in my vibe toward her. I was finally standing up for myself the only way I knew how. And honoring myself in this way made me feel empowered.
Although she didn’t chase me around like before, mainly because I wasn’t running, I did move away when I saw her carefully inching close to me. Throughout the night I caught glimpses of her watching me, and I knew she was trying to figure out how to get into my personal space. Later that evening, after she figured my guard was down, she walked over and hugged the person next to me, then tried to slide into a hug with me. But I put my hand up to stop her, not letting her cross my invisible boundary. Surprised but determined, she touched my other hand as it sat in my lap, then finally walked away, apparently resigned to the fact that I was not going to allow her to hug me.
Still I was conflicted: proud of myself for not pretending and for doing my best to protect myself from her advances; yet feeling troubled that I had not known she was going to touch my hand, so I didn’t have time to stop her. It felt like yet another failure on my part. Like no matter how hard I tried, I could not completely protect myself from having my boundaries violated by others. I was still that helpless little girl, with no control over my own body. The ever-present voice of self-criticism told me I should have done more; that I was still weak.
At the same time, I realized that refusing to smile and make another person feel comfortable was a big step for me because I was groomed to put other people’s needs and wants before my own. Because of that, a small part of me felt bad for her when she looked at me with confusion and what appeared to be hurt feelings. But I was determined to stick to my guns even though it went against our family’s behavioral norm.
And my goal is to continue to establish and maintain boundaries. So, the next time I see this female relative, I might just ask her if she remembers what she did to me, letting her know that I do remember, and in the future, she is not allowed to touch me.
Peace,
Janet
Published 12/11/2018 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC