A New Focus
“. . . I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances . . . I can do all things through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11b & 13 (NIV)
The year 2020 challenged me in extreme ways. As a CSA survivor living with Complex PTSD, I am frequently triggered by the threat of the unknown. So, the seemingly sudden stay-at-home order issued in March overwhelmed me with anxiety. Although, unlike so many others, I was not laid-off from my full-time job, I was surprised by how stressful the transition to working from home turned out to be. And my already overloaded workload seemed to double overnight. A pressurized job became even more pressure-filled, as the expectations on me to help keep a nonprofit funded greatly increased.
This was all caused by an enemy that we didn’t seem to understand or know how to defeat, a plague, people falling ill and dying in staggering numbers, while I had to try to keep my focus on the tasks at hand. Suddenly, nothing about the workday was predictable or routine, and we were all scrambling around trying to figure it out. The stress level was enormous, and many times I wanted to run away and hide until the storm passed. But there was nowhere to go. On top of medical and political pandemics, our country’s inherent racism (aka the African slave trade) rose to the surface in soul-despairing images of death, a la George Floyd.
For several months, I had anxiety dreams nearly every night. These are the dreams where my safety is threatened by a seemingly undefeatable enemy, and no matter what I do, this “person” gets the upper-hand, while I am a helpless victim. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep during those early months.
Because I knew that these traumatic events were triggering trauma responses, I also knew I had to become more intentional about the way I chose to respond to these unprecedented challenges. I had to step-up my coping techniques more than ever! That’s when journaling took on a whole new meaning for me, and if you know me and how I feel about journaling, you know that’s saying a lot! I began to journal even more frequently as a way to keep my challenging thoughts and emotions from building up, helping me to routinely return to a centered place while navigating the constant upheaval in my life.
For someone who struggles with perfectionistic thinking, and therefore prefers order and control to help avoid the negative consequences that can come from making mistakes (not measuring up), the challenges of 2020 made me feel even more unsafe and discontented than usual. I knew I needed to journal to help me confront the unhealthy thought-patterns and belief-systems about myself and others that were triggered by the unrelenting challenges I faced.
By analyzing my reactions, I was able to make more conscious decisions about how I wanted to respond. A major challenge was how to honestly acknowledge my pain, anger, anxiety, and resentment without focusing all my energy on these emotions. I needed to analyze and work through them so that I could focus more energy on feeling grateful, learning contentment, and fulfilling my purpose in all circumstances.
Through journaling, I began to ponder how the biblical apostle, Paul, could write the phrase “. . . I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances . . ." while sitting in prison, having been incarcerated by the Roman Emperor Nero just for sharing the gospel. A portion of one of my journal entries went something like this: How did Paul learn to be content in prison? How do I adapt and keep moving? Maybe saying, “I don’t love [these circumstances], but I [do] love God,” is being content (or at least the beginning of contentment).
Over time, I concluded that Paul obviously did not base his happiness and contentment on a need to control situations or prove himself through perfectionism, but instead on his loving relationship with God. Still, if Paul had to learn to be content in challenging circumstances, then he must have struggled with it in the beginning. But, at some point, he realized that the strength he needed to endure such heavy trials could only come from a loving God, not from his own effort or ability.
This encourages me as I enter 2021 to, like Paul, take life in stride by dealing with difficult and painful circumstances as they come, without letting them distract me from my God-given purpose, so that 2021 can truly be a Happy New Year!
Peace,
Janet
Published 01/01/2021 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC