Self-Rejection
. . . be very happy when you are tested in different ways. You know that such testing of your faith produces ENDURANCE*. James 1:2b&3 (GOD’s WORD®Translation) *All Caps added by me.
My greatest fear has always been the fear of rejection; all other fears have stemmed from that. As part of his grooming process, the primary sexual abuser told me that he was “the only one who loved me.” And my father’s abandonment and mother’s emotional detachment, physical abuse, and angry reactions toward me seemed to prove him right. I believed that their rejection was my fault. This caused me to reject myself and led to a pattern of me rejecting me. It was nonconscious and automatic.
I realize now that self-rejection has been my biggest hinderance in life because it kept me from practicing true, authentic, self-care. To some, the term self-care might seem self-indulgent. But, according to www.psychcentral.com, “self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health.”
For me, that means learning to live free of the bondages of fear, guilt, and shame that have shaped my life for so long. It is retraining my mind and emotions to believe that I can give myself the benefit of the doubt. Self-care is not just an outward act, it is positive beliefs about myself that trigger loving acts toward myself. The more I have been able to understand and grasp the truth of God’s perfect parental love for me, the more I have been able to accept that it is okay to value myself. It’s okay to think kindly of myself and show compassion toward myself when I mess-up. And it’s okay to be my own best cheerleader. It’s not arrogant or vain to love myself no matter what; it’s simply seeing myself the way The Father sees me and valuing His opinion of me above all others.
For example, I don’t like to be misunderstood because it means someone is questioning my intentions, even when my intentions are pure, therefore, implying that I am a “bad” person, justifying their decision to reject me. I can’t stop people from rejecting me, but when they do it based on faulty information it is particularly hard for me. The misunderstanding trigger stays close to me the same way some people keep a handgun close by, especially since some people seem determined to misunderstand me.
No matter how considerate I am with my words, I never know when a person will misunderstand my intention, i.e. take what I said the wrong way. I think my inability to control this aspect of human interaction has made me hypersensitive to people’s reactions toward me. Recently, when an old acquaintance’s facial expression made me doubt her understanding of the intention behind something I said, it sent me into a tailspin, worrying about how my careful comment could be taken wrong by people who misunderstood me on a regular basis. It dominated my mind for weeks.
That was hard, but eventually it helped me understand that distancing yourself from challenging relationships doesn’t automatically change their impact on you. Some people just feel unsafe to you. So what happens when you have to be around them? As a CSA survivor, how do you lessen the impact of the fear of their possible reactions toward you? In other words, how do you control what you cannot control? The answer is: you control what you can control – your thoughts and beliefs toward yourself.
Anxiety tells you that even if you did not intend to do something wrong, you did something wrong anyway, and their negative reaction (real or perceived) toward you seems to provide the proof that you yourself are just wrong. Then, self-rejection rises up to punish you. Thankfully, I’m learning that the more I practice self-compassion, the quicker I can calm the anxiety and overcome the resulting shame that CSA survivors know all-too-well. I had to learn to show myself the same grace and compassion I show others by reminding myself that my intention was not to upset or cause harm. Then I was able to move on.
Peace,
Janet
Published 12/27/2019 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC