Flesh Wounds
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus . . . Romans 8:1a (NLT)
As most survivors know, the holiday season, with its family gatherings, can produce a range of emotions from the joy of visiting with distant family and friends to the stress of planning meals and activities. A major challenge for me is the anxiety I feel regarding social interactions. I tend to worry that I will say or do the “wrong” thing, meaning something that will hurt, offend, and/or anger someone and cause them to react to me in a negative way. This need to try to control the emotional safety of my environment through perfectionism often puts a damper on my happiness and steals my peace.
Because I am aware of this internal struggle, I try to make sure I am “prayed-up” and conscious of my thoughts and emotions throughout the day so I can immediately process them. This sometimes feels like a lot of work, but it's important to remain mindful of my thought-processes. Since I have done a lot of soul-work and have become more comfortable in my own skin, I have fewer triggers than in the past, and the bullets don't always penetrate as deeply. But they do still pierce my skin, because no matter how much you try to prepare, some reactions will still catch you off guard.
For example, this past Thanksgiving I was instantly wounded when one of my relatives “snapped” at me for interrupting her while she was watching a television show. Looking back on it now, I realize that two things happened simultaneously:
Because I assigned a negative connotation to her reaction, I allowed shame to overtake me.
Immediately, my own self-criticizing and condemning voice started attacking me.
The truth is, whether she actually meant to snap at me or not, or whether she actually did snap at me is not as relevant as how I perceived her reaction, because it is my perception that determines my reality. In other words, I get to choose how I let another person's behavior affect me, and I cannot blame her for my response.
Since my response was based on my own negative self-perception, I assumed she felt I was being rude, so I went into victim-mode. Though I sheepishly apologized, my default reaction was to feel unfairly judged. After-all, I didn't do it on purpose. I was just so focused on what I was saying, I neglected to wait until I had her full attention. Feeling justified in my hurt feelings, I passive-aggressively implied to her that her reaction was inappropriate, then did my best to pretend nothing had happened.
After several weeks of feeling victimized, through prayer I was able to objectively view the incident. Though my feelings were still hurt, I could see how my actions could be perceived as inconsiderate by someone else. Once I stepped outside of myself and into her shoes, I saw it from her perspective. This led me to conclude that I needed to forgive myself for not being perfect, forgive her for what I felt was the wrong way to respond to my mistake, and forgive myself for thinking she should have responded any differently.
It's all about perspective. And as I head into 2018, I am more excited than ever to practice more self-compassion, mercy, and grace.
Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet
#NotYourFault #NoMoreShame #CSASurvivor #Survivor #NoMoreFear #Freedom #HappyNewYear2018
Published 01/01/2018 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC