Emotionally Detached (Trigger Alert)

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

It was extremely challenging for me to find the time and energy to write this post, partially because of the subject matter, and partially because I have been working long difficult hours. All the while, the words and the image behind them were crowding my mind, waiting for expression and exposure. So here goes:

A few weeks ago, I awoke to a flashback, a memory I had buried so deep that I hadn't thought of it in decades. As the image and emotions rose to the surface, my automatic instinct was to shut it down, to run from it again. But because I expect that to be my first response, and because I now know that I am strong enough to handle any memory – that it won't kill me; that I already survived the actual event so I can survive the memory of it as well – I chose to stand still and face it and even to share it with my husband.

I told him that in the darkness of my bedroom, he – a grown man, made me – a little girl, get down on my knees beside my bed, as if to pray, while he penetrated me from behind.

This violation hurt me in so many ways. It hurt physically, emotionally, and psychologically. It also hurt me spiritually because it added to my negative perception of my Heavenly Father, especially when ultra-religious people were telling me that the only way I could talk to God was on my knees. I often wondered why as a teenager and young adult I resented kneeling in prayer. I didn't understand why that particular posture made me so uncomfortable. But this memory explained a lot, like why I was so relieved later in life when I realized that I could pray anywhere, anytime, and that I could do it while sitting, standing, walking, driving, lying down, and eventually kneeling if I wanted to.

As usual, I am amazed at how we carry the experiences from childhood with us into adulthood, how they color our thinking, influence our emotions and reactions, and generally affect our lives without us even realizing it. I'm curious what other disturbing memories have yet to rise to the surface of my mind, shedding light on some long held thought pattern or behavior. The thing about flashbacks is that you never know when one is going to come or what affect it will have on you when it does.

Initially, when the vision came, I was surprised and wanted to scream. But since my husband was asleep next to me in bed, I held it in. After that, I quickly identified each successive emotion and moved on to the next. For example, my initial emotion was fear. I was afraid to let myself “go there”. But then I reminded myself that I had already been there in real life. The next emotion was shame. The visual image was embarrassing to look at, and the feelings of shame that I felt at the time came flooding back to me. That emotion was followed by disgust. The memory of him touching my body in such a way made me physically sick to my stomach. After that came hesitancy. I wanted to expose the shameful memory by sharing it with my husband, but to do so I had to override my desire to hide the sordid details, to keep them between myself and God. I briefly struggled with that emotion before forcing myself to push the words out of my mouth.

I wanted to give voice to my experience, but though I said the words, I didn't experience the words I was saying. I had already detached from my emotions before telling him about the event. By the time I was ready to share what happened, I had stuffed my emotions into a safe little nook, where they wouldn't make me feel too uncomfortable while sharing “just the facts' with him. In other words, I kept the memories and emotions at a safe distance in order to protect myself from them. So I didn't feel the relief I thought I would. As I write this, and I am able to see it more clearly, I realize that I am not quite ready to let down this particular defense mechanism since it means I have to fully experience what happened, and I am not yet ready to do that. But now that I am aware of this tendency to detach while sharing, I will continue to work on it.

In the meantime, two other emotions that I feel post-flashback are compassion and gratitude. I feel self-compassion and understanding for why my mind hid this memory from me for so long, and why it is difficult for me to fully experience the impact of it. And I feel gratitude that my mind actually felt safe enough to release the memory at this time. It means my soul is healing, and that I am able to experience God's love on a greater level which makes me feel safer than I have ever felt. Although I have not fully processed all that this memory means to me, I am glad that it is no longer a hidden threat hanging over my head. It is one less thing for me to fear. For that, I am very grateful!

Yet, with all that said, there is still a part of me that is embarrassed to admit that I continue to behave in unhealthy ways; that I don't have all of the answers; that I am still trying to figure it out. And part of me wants to beat myself up about that. There is still that little voice inside my head that taunts me with questions and accusations like, “Why should anyone listen to you? You don't even have it all together. How can you help anyone? You should be ashamed of yourself”. . . and on and on.

Yes, I continue to struggle. But I have learned that struggles make me stronger. So instead of letting them continue to hinder me, I have decided to use them to help me grow. And hopefully by sharing my struggles with you, they will help you grow too. That is, if you are willing. Are you?

Peace and blessings until next month,

Janet

Published 05/01/2017 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC