Weighted Down

. . . let us strip off every weight that slows us down . . . Heb 12:1 (NLT)

Part of the abuser's strategy was to manipulate my young mind to believe that nothing he was doing was wrong, while at the same time making me believe that if I told anyone, I would be the one who had done something wrong. In other words, he was not responsible for anything, but I was responsible for everything. It was a debilitating weight to put on a child, one that I have struggled to carry all of my life.

I was reminded of this the other day at work when I caught myself taking the blame for something for which I clearly was not responsible. It was an automatic response. An issue came up and I just assumed I must have done something wrong, when in actuality someone else was at fault. These days, I catch these things much sooner, but I still had to journal in order to see it clearly.

Once I did, as usual, my first reaction was to express anger toward myself for not initially holding this person responsible for their lack of follow-through. As in childhood, I turned my anger inward, and the other individual breathed a sigh of relief for being let off the hook. Though I have become much more confrontational in recent years, the subconscious false beliefs often guide my actions more than I would like, causing me to retreat and take the blame rather than put it where it rightfully belongs. This is not to point fingers; but it is to appropriately address the people and issues that need to be addressed. If I am automatically taking the blame, then that is not happening, and a weight that I was never meant to carry remains on my shoulders.

Because I am aware of this tendency in me, I try to remain mindful of it. But if I am tired or distracted by an issue, I might miss it at first. The good thing is, once I recognize it, I confront it. Through consistent practice, I have learned to identify the false belief that every problem must be the result of some failure on my part. I take the time to acknowledge that this is unrealistic thinking which I picked up from childhood. Then, I work to reject it as the lie that it is. Sometimes this is easier than other times. But the more I do it, the more natural it becomes. Still, it is a slow process of degrees, where I must confront the lie over and over again in each situation.

My motivation to keep growing in this area comes from finally understanding that as long as I am willing to shoulder the blame for others' behaviors, they are willing to let me. This dynamic has caused an imbalance in too many of my relationships and interactions, and the emotional and psychological weight of carrying more than my fair share of responsibility has hindered me from reaching my fullest potential and caused me to spend too much time in victim-mode. So I am done accepting whatever people choose to put on me. If it's not mine, I am determined not to wear it!

To tell the truth, it frightens me to put it out there like that because I'm afraid I might not live up to my declaration. I am afraid that I might still allow people to dump their ownership onto me. But that's okay. At least I am trying, and the goal is to to become more balanced, not perfect. My objective is to become lighter and faster in chasing my destiny, and I am unwilling to lose anymore time carrying extra weight. Life is too short!

Peace and blessings until next month,

Janet

Published 04/01/2017 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC