Wading Through Anxiety
So God created human beings in His own image. In the image of God He created them; male and female He created them. Genesis 1:27 (NLT)
Reliving, then writing about, and posting, the flashback that I had last month triggered an ocean of anxiety within me. Though the water was not deep enough for me to drown, it was high enough around my legs to make it hard for me to walk forward at a steady pace.
The flashback itself produced more gunpowder that I couldn't seem to wash off my hands. Gunpowder to me represents the residual effects of the childhood sexual abuse. And anxiety, fear of what might happen, clings to me like a permanent substance, stealing my peace of mind with questions like:
Did I share too much?
Was I too graphic?
Will people think less of or differently about me?
Will my children be traumatized by reading details of my childhood trauma?
All of these questions dogged me even after I clicked the button to publish the post. But if I know anything about fear, it is that the only way to overcome fear is to do the thing you fear the most. So, I have learned to deal with uncomfortable, sometimes overwhelming, emotions in order to speak my truth and find my freedom. I refuse to be bound even to the fear of the unknown.
In her book, Living Courageously, Joyce Meyer calls anxiety “failure in advance”. When I read that a few months back, something inside of me rose up and shouted, “I refuse to accept failure before I even try!” In fact, I believe the only failure is refusing to try.
That determination to become and remain free “at all costs” has enabled me to take my “flaws” in stride and keep moving forward even when the waves of anxiety knock me off balance. I have learned that if I just try, and keep trying, growth takes place. The more I grow, the healthier – emotionally, spiritually, and physically – I become.
So, I will keep sharing my story. I will keep exposing the dark places to the light. And I will trust God to use it to set other people free.
This brings up some additional questions:
What if the victory is not in the accomplishment, but in the trying?
What if your refusal to give up guarantees your growth?
Is it worth it to you to face your greatest fears in order to gain freedom, fulfill your purpose, become who you were created to be?
Only you can answer these questions for yourself. But I promise you that no matter what residual affects you carry, they do not change the reality that you were created in the image of God.
Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet
#NoMoreShame
Published 06/01/2017 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC