So Many Triggers
. . . “I see very clearly that God shows no favoritism.” Acts 10:34 (NLT)
Life as a survivor is filled with triggers. Even television can be dangerous to my emotional health. About two weeks ago a family member was watching a movie where the antagonist was humiliating one of his subordinates for displeasing him. The man with the emotional power expressed his anger at the other man by taunting him, physically abusing him, and causing him to beg for mercy. Although I wasn't watching the show, I overheard the scene and felt the trauma all over my body. I even had trouble sleeping that night.
The next day, I caught a glimpse of another television movie where the boss was angry with a young man who had not carried out his assignment correctly, so he made him grovel for his life. I remember thinking, “all that young man wanted to do was please the other man and gain his approval.” Instead, he was punished for not meeting the boss's expectations. I couldn't bear to stick around to see how far the punishment would go, nor the end result.
Deeply disturbed, I fled to my bedroom to try to understand why these two scenes, which are regular occurrences on television, had upset me so much. Why had I internalized these works of “fiction”? And why is it so hard for me to view these acts of violence as entertainment?
Maybe it is because I know that fiction often mirrors reality. And in real life, individuals do prey on those whom they consider to be weak. People do take advantage of and even brutalize other people. The need of many to feel more powerful than others is very real. Manipulation as a form of control is widely employed by many in the real world.
So, I always empathize and identify with the TV victims because I know what it feels like to put your trust in someone who is hurting you. I know how it feels to believe that it is your fault. If you could just get it right, they would treat you in a loving way. If you could just measure up, they would be pleased with you, and all would be well. I know the feeling of powerlessness, the belief that you don't have a right to stand up for yourself because you are too defective, too weak. I also know that just because a person acts “powerful” doesn't mean they feel powerful. They have something to prove. In their mind, it is survival of the fittest.
And because I grew up seeing myself as unfit, as less than others, and therefore unprepared to run my own life, I subjugated myself to the whims of the “stronger” ones. I believed them when they told me by their words, attitudes, and actions that they were more than me – more powerful, more intelligent, more worthy of success in life. I wanted so much to be accepted by them, to gain their approval and validation because I didn't understand that I already had God's validation, and that no one is more important to Him than I am.
The more I embrace this truth, the healthier my relationships become, because as I realize my value, I am less willing to allow others to exert their wills over me. I guess that explains why I prefer to watch TV shows where the victimized persons eventually grow into their strength and start requiring others to treat them with respect. It also explains why I am so passionate about doing my part to help real-life people do the same.
Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet
#NotYourFault #NoMoreShame #Survivor #CSASurvivors
Published 07/01/2017 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC
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