Family Cycles

. . . for as he thinks in his heart, so is he . . . Proverbs 23:7a (King James 2000 Bible)

I believe in angels and demons. I believe in generational curses. I believe some familiar tendencies are passed down through the family lines of abusers and victims alike. As we continue to pass down these tendencies, refusing to examine ourselves, our histories, our wounds, and the wounds we have inflicted, the cycle of abuse continues unchecked.

As survivors, we are often so consumed with struggling with what we believe are our weaknesses and flaws that we don't take the time to examine the family dynamics that helped shape our development. Even if we know in our hearts that there are some unhealthy patterns, we either minimize them or deny their effects on us. The problem with downplaying or ignoring harmful family patterns is that they continue to influence future generations.

At some point in my healing journey I was able to take the focus off of myself long enough to make some observations about my family that helped me recognize where a lot of my own tendencies came from. That knowledge was very beneficial, and it explained a lot. I expressed my perceptions in this poem:

FAMILY

I come from a long line of quick-change artists,

sleight of hand,

Jedi mind tricks,

especially when challenged.

Using a “kind of truth” to paint a picture of butterflies and flowers, green grass, sugary treats, and material gain.

Yet, something's off-kilter,

not-quite-right,

Wrong.

But who will say what it is?

Who will define the elephant in the room?

Who will expose the manipulative lifestyles?

Who will break the silence?

Unravel the complicated web?

Who has the courage?

The death wish??

The backbone?

Who?

When my children were adolescents, it became clear to me that if I didn't deal with my fake personality, tendency to smile to cover up the fact that I was depressed, and my mental and emotional instability, they would inherit many of my wounds, which were not theirs to bear. If I didn't deal with my insecurities and stop trying to steal my daughter's shine, how would she develop the confidence to be herself? How could my son develop his self worth if I continued to be too focused on numbing my pain with food, sleep, and television to give him the attention he needed?

But as determined as I was to stop hiding my true self and start becoming more comfortable in my own skin, it was terrifying to admit the truth about the abuse and the role my family dynamics played in my predisposition to hide it. What happens in this home/family, stays in this home/family. Right?

Would I be accepted by them if I told the truth about what my childhood was like? If I even admitted it to myself, would it make me feel even more like an outsider in my own family? And though I let her know that my decision to start telling my story was not to injure her in any way, I worried that sharing my experiences and perceptions would hurt and/or embarrass my mother who had allowed the abuse to happen, and had contributed her own perfectionism and narcissism to the mix.

These concerns filled me with anxiety and caused me to struggle with how much to share. But there was something that motivated me more than my fear of facing my past, myself, and my family. That was the responsibility I felt to teach my kids how to live authentically as themselves and share their truth with the world without fear of criticism or rejection. I wanted them to know that they are each a unique reflection of God's image, so there is never any need to hide or hide-from any part of themselves.

Peace and blessings until next month,
Janet

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Published 03/01/2018 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC