Visible Scars
. . .True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time . . . Ecclesiastes 3:11 (MSG)
Recently, I unexpectedly came face-to-face with the fact that I can be arrogant. God had empowered me to do something impactful, and while I knew He was using me as His vessel, and I was extremely grateful for that, this thought occurred to me: What if this means I'm special? i.e. better than everyone else? Why else would God choose me to do this, and not someone else?
Honestly, that was not the first time that thought had popped into my head. It felt like it had been there all along, so it had a comfortable familiarity to me. At the same time, I knew it was inappropriate, so I wanted to distance myself from it. Being conflicted in my thoughts was nothing new to me. But, I knew this was a turning point: I must choose whether to continue operating out of the traumatized mindset of a sexually abused child, or whether to lay down that self-consoling defense mechanism in order to adopt a healthier approach toward self-validation. One that didn't involve the need to have the upper-hand over others.
For awhile now, I have been praying to understand the difference between confidence and conceit. This experience has been a great teacher for me. At some point during the process of examining this unattractive train of thought, I came to realize that because I always felt “less than” others, I over-compensated by focusing on ways I might be “more than” others – intelligence, godliness, kindness. While this distorted perspective helped me survive an abusive childhood, it was now an unwelcome friend. Yet, as determined as I was to get rid of it, I wasn't sure how to live without a mindset that had been with me my whole life, and had made me feel validated in some way.
And I definitely wasn't sure I had the courage to admit it to anyone! For sure, part of me wanted to deny it was true. I worried about my Christian image, and what people would think of me if they knew I had these kinds of thoughts. A good reputation has always been important to me, so I wrestled with writing this post. I even worried that my arrogance would disqualify me from the right to fulfill my God-designed destiny. How could God still accept me when I had thoughts like these? I struggled with self-condemnation and self-rejection.
Still, I had to find a way to accept myself, no matter how ashamed I felt. Thankfully, after a whole lot of prayer, a thought occurred to me: What if this is not a surprise to God? What if He was just waiting for me to accept this truth so He could help me grow out of it? Gradually, I began to have compassion for myself. I decided to tell myself what I would tell someone else, “As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, who never felt as good as everyone else, it is understandable that you would develop an arrogant defense-mechanism to counteract your feelings of extreme insecurity and low self-worth.”
Once I gave myself a break, I asked the Holy Spirit to help me deal with this reality that I still did not fully want to face. After that, things started coming to mind. I thought back to the early years of dating my husband, when I would make a point, and he would say, “So. That doesn't make you better than me.” His statement always caught me off-guard because I couldn't see the connection between what I was saying and how I was coming across to him. Inevitably, I would respond defensively, “I didn't say I think I'm better than you. Where did that come from?” Truthfully, it didn't make sense to me. But looking back, I can see there was something to his statement.
The Holy Spirit also reminded me of the time someone from our previous church told me I was arrogant. And when I prayed about it, I felt God was trying to get me to see there was something to her statement. But when I talked to a trusted friend about it, and she didn't see it, it made it easier for me to deny it.
These days, I am becoming more-and-more mindful of how critical I can be of others who don't do things the way I would do them, as if my way is the only way. Over the holidays, a relative of mine made a point to publicly correct me on something I said, and I couldn't understand why he felt the need to make sure I knew I was wrong. But maybe he was just reacting to my superior attitude. I don't know. But it's possible.
Most recently, I was caught off-guard when two people at my job interpreted what I felt was a genuine offer to discuss an issue as an arrogant brush-off. They knew I wasn't going to change my mind, even if we did have a conversation about it, because I felt I was right. After initially being offended, I had to question whether it was actually true. Have I, the woman who wants everyone to feel loved and accepted, been treating people like they were inferior to me because of my own need to prove my worth? In many ways, I have.
I keep thinking about Adolf Hitler, a man with such low self-esteem he tried to prove he was better than others by killing them. An extreme example, yes, but I wonder how many people I have emotionally killed over the years with my critical tongue or condescending attitude? All I can say is, I'm glad I have the chance to change.
Peace and Blessing until next month,
Janet
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Published 02/01/2018 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC