Learning to Rest
. . . Jesus, weary from His journey, sat down by the well. . . John 4:6 (Berean Standard Bible)
I want to rest like Jesus did, without guilt or fear of repercussion, without worrying that I’m letting someone down. But I don’t just want to physically rest; I want to rest mentally and emotionally too. In order to do that I must develop the habit of believing better things about myself.
The old self-image of condemnation, guilt, and shame was based on false information inherited from the early childhood abuse, assault, and neglect I endured. But they never defined me; I was always more than that. I just didn’t fully realize it – or fully believe it. I thought I was damaged because they damaged me; but I wasn’t. I thought I was devalued because they devalued me; but I wasn’t. I believed I was broken because they broke me; but I was not. I assumed I was doomed to fail because they failed me, but I was not, and I am not. I thought I was a violation because I was violated, but I was never that.
I finally understand that I am not damaged, devalued, broken, doomed to fail, or a violation!
I am a beloved, gifted, blessed child of the most-high God. And I don’t have to doubt it or apologize for it. Those are old habits of thinking that I need to break. I have been accustomed to functioning a certain way, believing the worst about myself and feeling inadequate because of it. But just because that has been a habit, doesn’t make it true.
Now that I know the truth about who I am, I know that I can develop the habit of believing the best about myself.
They say it takes 3 weeks (21 days) to develop a new habit. My experience has been more like 3 months or even 3 years. But, however long it takes, I’m determined to do whatever it takes to develop the habit of doing what supports my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health without fear of how others feel about it. I want to give myself what I need to remain healthy and whole, even if it means temporarily (or permanently) separating myself from people and things I care about. I cannot expect others to do for me what I won’t do for myself. I cannot expect them to respect my boundaries and limitations, if I don’t do it for myself.
When I thought of all the people who depended on Jesus, I marveled that He didn’t feel guilty leaving them to fend for themselves for even a little while. But, then, when I considered the enormous and continuous demands on His energy and time, I realized He had to take time to rest and replenish Himself in order to keep serving others.
I hadn’t quite grasped this concept a few months ago when I landed in bed with this super flu bug that has been going around. Lying there feverish, and dehydrated, with a burning pain in my abdomen, unable to eat or take more than two sips of water at a time (which still managed to come back up), I had to face the fact that too many years of consistent, unrealistic external pressure, mixed with overwhelming internal anxiety and unrealistic self-pressure had weakened my immune system and stopped me in my tracks.
And my attitude had become more and more negative. I was frustrated, discouraged, and down. My conversation became sarcastic and my outlook increasingly pessimistic. I was quickly reaching my limit of being able to keep pressing through the hardships of life. I wanted to sit down and quit.
But, as usual, the Holy Spirit helped me use this time of forced rest to face myself and decide to start doing things differently. I realized if I didn’t develop new, healthier, habits of thinking, believing, and behaving I wasn’t going to recover from the exhaustion I felt. Once again, the destructive habit of performance-based functioning that had been an automatic pattern for me, fueling ongoing cycles of anxiety, negativity, stress, and tension, had overwhelmed me.
This caught me off-guard because my core beliefs about myself and my value have changed so much over the last couple of years. I now know that I am a child of love, not of rejection. Human-beings might have neglected and rejected me, but God, my Heavenly Father, has always been with me. He has never rejected me. He has only loved me and proven His love to me over-and-over again. That’s why I’m still here.
So, if my belief-system has changed, why are many of my behaviors still the same? If they aren’t still coming from the same unhealed condition of my heart, then they must be residual habits, unconscious thoughts, feelings, and actions that produce the same results. The psychosomatic connection cannot be overstated. If my heart has changed, my mind and behavior need to change as well. This will happen over time as I consciously confront the trauma-formed unconscious thoughts that have programmed my subconscious mind to feel that everyone and everything is a threat – something to be feared, avoided, or ignored.
In essence, I need to reprogram my mind with the new data that’s in my heart - that God, The Father, loves, accepts, and approves of me without reservation, restrictions, conditions, or restraint. And there is nothing I can do (or not do) that will change how He feels about me.
So, I will rest in that!
Peace,
Janet
Published 04/11/2019 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC
Comments:
rgking@bex.net - Amen