Trouble Trusting God
In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe. Psalm 4:8 (NLT)
To be honest with you, my emotions toward God have always been conflicted. Even though I now believe He loves me unconditionally, and I’ve learned to trust Him in so many ways, this Scripture is a hard one for me to digest. I mean, if He let others sexually abuse/assault me as a child, how can I guarantee He won’t let it happen again?
I understand that human beings have free will, and evil spirits exist in the earth, and if God intervened in every situation, He would violate the very freedom and dominion He gave us. So how do I trust Him to protect me? How do I protect myself? How do I move forward without fear of being a target to be re-assaulted? These questions recently flooded the surface of my mind when I decided to listen to an online, guided meditation to help me fall asleep.
Getting my mind to relax enough to drift off to sleep, and remain peacefully asleep, has always been a challenge for me. So when I heard about this meditation tool on social media, I decided to give it a try. This particular audio included Scripture recitations with sea sounds and soft music, some of my favorite things. I began to repeat the Scriptures after the narrator, and I gradually started relaxing a little, that is until she softly quoted Psalm 4:8, “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe,” and the Words stuck in my throat. The truth is, I could not confidently quote that Scripture because I didn’t truly believe it!
That's when I started to cry. And, for probably the first time in my life, I admitted to God that I really wasn’t sure He would keep me safe. After all these years, I finally confessed to God how I really felt. I knew I could be honest with Him, but it was hard for me to admit the truth out loud, because admitting it meant facing it, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to do that. But ready-or-not, this time, when the truth rose up, I didn’t push it back down. Instead, I softly (careful not to wake my husband) cried out to my Heavenly Father and told Him about my doubt and fear.
And after a few weeks of avoidance, I felt ready to write about this silent, yet ever-present, fear of being molested/assaulted again. Research confirmed that this is a common struggle for abuse/assault survivors, and it was helpful to know I was not alone in this fear. But, the question remained, how would I overcome the fear that secretly affected me my whole life?
I still don’t have all the answers. But here’s what I do know: This fear is multi-faceted. Since I was sexually violated by multiple people throughout my life, I wonder things like: Will it happen again? If so, how will I deal with it? Will I be able to heal again emotionally, mentally, and spiritually? Will I always be a target? Am I attracting abusive people through a lack-of-boundaries and a posture of helplessness?
Fear has been described as False Evidence Appearing Real, so the fear that it was somehow all my fault makes me angry. It is no more appropriate to blame the victim than it is to blame God. Even though I know that, to some extent, I teach people how to treat me, ultimately, I am not responsible for their actions. And I am tired of holding myself accountable for what other people do!
Additionally, I believe fear is an assumption that something unwanted will happen. Yet, even though I’ve been in car accidents, I don’t assume I will crash every time I get behind the wheel; I focus on where I’m going. And even though I’ve been fired from a job, I have learned not to worry about that happening again. Instead, I try to focus on the assets I bring to the table. And I’ve been through a painful divorce, but I don’t fear my marriage will end. When struggles come, I focus on our commitment to one another.
Likewise, if I want to lie down and sleep in peace, I need to pay attention to what I’m thinking about/focused on. If I focus on the negative things that could happen, I will drown in anxiety - guaranteed. But, if I focus on God, His love for me, and how He has helped me overcome everything that has hurt and hindered me, I will have the confidence to move forward in peace, knowing that He is with me!
Peace,
Janet
Published 07/27/2019 by Janet Lyn Boswell, BA, CTRC